<3 Cabbage Patch Nightmare

Fatty Cyrus thinks she is Sparkle Queen of the Cabbage Patch Kids. While this is a magical concept, I am sure if it were to be an actual idea for a doll, the gums/ mouth sitch would be made to look like an actual human being, not so gremlin-esque.

<3 The One Thing You Need to Know to Survive the Recession

For those twats in the dark, the term “recession” means your parents are going to lose their jobs, and you aren’t going to get an Audi on your sixteenth birthday (welcome to Jetta town).
But have no fear young nymphs- I am about to bust so much genius all over your face that even a men’s large Lacoste polo won’t be able to wipe it up. This one simple tip will save you a fuckton of scrilla and make you really popular at parties.
Spend money now on things that will help you spend less money in the future
Take for example, food. Obviously, hunger is a craving that even the most seasoned Ana must deal with, but there are ways to get around it. By spending your allowance on Adderall, you can bypass this aforementioned totally disgusting urge and do better in school ( College your parents cant afford- here we come!). See how easy it is? Slutty Armani Exchange tank tops and mini skirts = free booze. Getting your tubes tied= No need for Plan B. Cigarettes= no need to buy a lower back tattoo to look cool! You get the point! Now go out there and spend girls! Spend while you still can!

<3 Glamour

Hi Girls!

Today we are going to be talking about drug use. I know that this may be a very touchy topic, but dont be a pussy. The only cool drug is coke, and the only way to be cool is to snort it. The most awesome chick I have ever encountered in my entire life once had a raging nosebleed at a public bar. It was so cool. She was so glamorous too. To be like her and really ensure that you are respected by your peers you must constantly allude to your cocaine habit. Here are some tips.

1) Constantly shake and wipe your nose
2) Giggle every time someone mentions anything have to do with winter (skiiing, snow, winter olympics, Jesus, It's a Wonderful Life)
3) Wear a vial necklace
4)Tell people that your gums are numb
5)Always have a ketchup stained tissue peeking out of your pocket

It is vital that others think you are always high on the yayo. No matter whether you are at the gym, giving a presentation, riding your pony or going to a Demi Lovato concert. This will of course only be believable if you are super skinny ( which I of course assume you are) so if that isn't the case, you need to stop eating, tell your mom (dad is not around, remember?) you want to do community service in Brazil and then get plastic surgery like Usher's wife did.

<3 Purchase and Toss

Hi Girls!

There are certain fashions that only tweens and teens can pull off. After the age of 18 you look like a fool for donning them. Please print out this list, buy all of this stuff, and then throw it away on your 18th birthday.

Tiffany's Tag Collection Jewlery
Belly Button Rings
Terrycloth Clothing
Glitter Makeup
Cubic Zirconia
Embelished Bra Straps
Coach Handbags
Jean Skirts
Bedazzled Clothing and Accessories
Double Pierced Ears
Foam Platforms
Mini Kate Spade Backpack
Abercrombie/ Hollister
Juicy Couture
Myspace
Sun In
Volkswagons
Unnatural Highlights
Rainbow Louis Vuitton
Breast Augmentation

<3 Establishing Abandonment Issues

Now everybody knows that in the real world, the only way to be taken seriously is to have the age old “Daddy Issues.” While in the short run the benefits of having a father around may seem like they far outweigh him not being around, you should just shut up and stop thinking that. You need to get rid of him. You need to set a solid foundation for all the adult relationships you are going to have and this is the only way. Now for the majority of you, dad’s abandonment is inevitable, and you will get to sit back and do nothing (shop online! coke!) as he gets a little too close with his personal trainer while your chubby mom sits idly by. You girls are the lucky ones. The minute he impregnates that buff chick and they move to Florida to raise their new family, you are golden.
For the few rest of you that have one of those “devoted” father types, follow along closely because sabotaging an adult is a bit trickier than they make it look in “The Parent Trap.” The first step in running your father away is to make your mom look really ugly and fat. Like Miley Cyrus fat. There are several ways to accomplish this, but I feel that doing a toss up of the following will be very successful:

1) Nair in Conditioner
2) Brighton Accessories
3) Protein powder in drinks
4) Vaseline on her face at night when she sleeps=
5) Deer Scent as perfume
6) Itching powder
7) Mountain Dew Mouth




With all sexual attraction diminished, you now need to add on the stress factor. Nothing does this more effectively than money i$$ue$ (see what I did there?), $o try to get your dad to lo$e hi$ job (still going). I mean I know that mo$t of the girl’$ I am talking to have dad$ that are CEO’$ and Pre$ident$ of corporation$ (cant stop wont stop!), but if there is the off chance that your dad actually has a bo$$ (fine- stopping), just make him get fired. I mean I don’t really know how to help you with that though, because I have never been there. Because I am not poor.

So if your dad is the boss, and you know that job isn’t going anywhere, you need to find a way to hide all his money from him. I am not saying to steal it and spend it ( that would be dumb- then you’ll be poor- you don’t want to have to get a job do you?) but you just like need to get it out of his account and store it in your room somewhere. Like with the vat of vomit under your bed. Or your stasha of the cocaina! I don’t know your personal family situation so I cant give you a lesson plan on how to do this, but I trust that you can figure it out. Just know that once the money is gone, your parents will drown in a tsunami of money and relationship problems, and the only way to get to dry land is D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

I will touch back upon how important having daddy issues is when discussing other areas of your life such as relationships, friends, education and reputation. In the meantime, for the sake of you being content in the future, get rid of that old dude!

<3>

<3 Introduction

Young upper middle class girls have the world at their fingertips, yet so often stray. Interracial marriage, flat chested-ness, drugs other than cocaine, and Dooney and Burke handbags are real problems they face every day. I want to teach them the proper lessons so that they may steer clear of these threats and grow up to live the life they always imagined. Mine.

To achieve this, I will talk in a language that they understand and focus on 10 main themes:
Fam
Bod Image
BF+GF=4EVA
Porking
Cliques
Politix
$chool
Rep
Duh!
Fashionistaism

I am also including a Hawt vs. Nawt feature so that girls may keep up on current trends, and a “Yo F-Bang” column so that girls may write in with any questions they have.
<3 xoxo <3