<3 Establishing Abandonment Issues

Now everybody knows that in the real world, the only way to be taken seriously is to have the age old “Daddy Issues.” While in the short run the benefits of having a father around may seem like they far outweigh him not being around, you should just shut up and stop thinking that. You need to get rid of him. You need to set a solid foundation for all the adult relationships you are going to have and this is the only way. Now for the majority of you, dad’s abandonment is inevitable, and you will get to sit back and do nothing (shop online! coke!) as he gets a little too close with his personal trainer while your chubby mom sits idly by. You girls are the lucky ones. The minute he impregnates that buff chick and they move to Florida to raise their new family, you are golden.
For the few rest of you that have one of those “devoted” father types, follow along closely because sabotaging an adult is a bit trickier than they make it look in “The Parent Trap.” The first step in running your father away is to make your mom look really ugly and fat. Like Miley Cyrus fat. There are several ways to accomplish this, but I feel that doing a toss up of the following will be very successful:

1) Nair in Conditioner
2) Brighton Accessories
3) Protein powder in drinks
4) Vaseline on her face at night when she sleeps=
5) Deer Scent as perfume
6) Itching powder
7) Mountain Dew Mouth




With all sexual attraction diminished, you now need to add on the stress factor. Nothing does this more effectively than money i$$ue$ (see what I did there?), $o try to get your dad to lo$e hi$ job (still going). I mean I know that mo$t of the girl’$ I am talking to have dad$ that are CEO’$ and Pre$ident$ of corporation$ (cant stop wont stop!), but if there is the off chance that your dad actually has a bo$$ (fine- stopping), just make him get fired. I mean I don’t really know how to help you with that though, because I have never been there. Because I am not poor.

So if your dad is the boss, and you know that job isn’t going anywhere, you need to find a way to hide all his money from him. I am not saying to steal it and spend it ( that would be dumb- then you’ll be poor- you don’t want to have to get a job do you?) but you just like need to get it out of his account and store it in your room somewhere. Like with the vat of vomit under your bed. Or your stasha of the cocaina! I don’t know your personal family situation so I cant give you a lesson plan on how to do this, but I trust that you can figure it out. Just know that once the money is gone, your parents will drown in a tsunami of money and relationship problems, and the only way to get to dry land is D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

I will touch back upon how important having daddy issues is when discussing other areas of your life such as relationships, friends, education and reputation. In the meantime, for the sake of you being content in the future, get rid of that old dude!

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